When I worked at the treehouse athletic club I had a lot of spare time on my hands sitting at the rockwall. One time (early November 2004) I started to write some feelings down (free association style). I'm cleaning my room right now, and I want to throw those papers away, but I don't want to lose all the stuff. Besides, sharing is good, right? Keep in mind, this stuff was written (no editing at this time) over a year and a half ago. Many many things have happened since then to change my life quite a bit (most noteworthy would be the death of Spencer later that month. I mention that because it changed me a lot, perhaps in areas that would affect these writings).
My thoughts on...
...Egocentrism and understanding:
"It's not like I try to be self-centered. But for some reason I feel like everyone should understand me. Of course I think about others and realize that I know very little about them. I don't understand them, why should they understand me? Why would I try to understand them when I am what matters? It will be difficult for me to understand why I am self-centered. On the flip side, along with being self-centered I am also very self critical. Doe that make up for it? Actually it just adds upon the frustration in which I live."
...difference in people:
"I am amazed at how long it took me to realize how different from everyone else I really am. Even the ones who are meant to be similar to me, or at least 'understand' me, can't or won't. The issues I have are my own for I am a unique combination of the different chapters of a psychology textbook. Mixtures of disorders and normal with an added measure of something I can't quite put my finger on. Something that differentiates me from the other textbook cases I don't know. What could it be? I came to the conclusion that it must be my upbringing. This became very clear to me very recently. The people most like me are unquestionable my brothers. They are, after all, the only ones who share my upbringing. Next, I noticed that other people that were most similar to me outside my family, usually my friends, missed critical elements of my character that are obvious to have been placed there by my childhood experiences. Looking at characteristics my friends have and I don't, I can look at their homes, families and especially their younger siblings and see how obvious it i how these character traits have been created."
...misunderstanding of the world:
"The world is never viewed by people correctly. I continually am annoyed by others not seeing things as they really are. How is it that they could even consider THAT, let alone have it their opinion? I now know that I am wrong. Not only am I flawed to judge others by their opinions, by my opinions themselves are wrong. I don't see the world as it really is. How do I see it? Either as I think it is or as I think it should be. Debating between the two, It came to me that it isn't one or the other, but both.
When I look at a situation, I make a choice about the world. I know what choice I made by looking at other's opinions. If the majority of people's opinions coincide with mine, I'm looking at the world as I think it is. If most are against me, I'm looking at the world as I think it should be. This causes frustration because things aren't as they should be. I think this is how it should go, but someone with more control over the situation thinks it should go another way. The situation goes that way and shatters my entire view of the situation."
That is that.
